Ask Amanda Jane: Workplace Wendy

Amanda Jane,
I work with the most old and fuddy duddy man, he was hired because of his decades of experience working with the public.... but he can't think out of the box to save his life. I work in a male dominated field and he treats me like I’m the "girl with the cute silly ideas". He constantly speaks over me in meetings, and then if an idea fails (because they are so slow and out-dated) he uses me as the scapegoat in front of our boss, and says I just didn't understand. I’m so sick of working with him! What do I do?
-Workplace Wendy


Wendy,

I think you are running into another classic case of someone who “looks better on paper!” Sure, his resume and experience got him the job- but it sounds like his interpersonal skills are seriously out-of-date. Blaming it on his age is no excuse! There are plenty of seasoned workers that know how to co-exist with younger (and gasp! female!) co-workers. I’m not entirely shocked that somebody so unadaptable was looking for a new job at this later stage in his career. An important aspect of the modern workforce is adaptability and it doesn't sound like this man is looking for such growth. But, that will likely be his downfall as well.

Unfortunately, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Nor is it your job to do so! Although, you work in a male dominated field you did not state that anyone but this creep has given you any trouble (so I’m going to assume that is the case.) Your boss wouldn't have hired you and kept you on payroll if you were half as incompetent as this fellow seems to think you are. There is undoubtedly a sexist attitude when it comes to this guy (whether or not it’s intentional I don’t know, nor does it matter).

The point is, the way he treats a female mind in the workplace is blatantly obvious and annoying to you. Although his treatment is more pronounced when dealing with you, I’m still willing to bet you aren't the only person he talks over and throws under the bus. He’s like that kid on the playground that has no problem playing tag, until it is his turn to be it. If he is as bad as you are saying, everyone knows it is him and not you because your work ethic and attitude speaks for itself. There is no need to be combative, but don’t let him walk all over you. Step up to the plate and be unflinchingly specific when dealing with him. Keep notes and always know your actual role in the project, be honest in your capabilities and contributions. Adapt the way you deal with him, by not letting him get under your skin. Everyone around you can surely (or will surely) see him for what he really is.

You stated yourself, he “can’t think outside of the box to save his life” and it’s true- he has built these walls of preconceived notions and self-importance built around himself. His inability to adapt will surely not lead to a big promotion any time soon.

Sincerely,
Amanda Jane

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To have your own etiquette question featured on the blog, send an email to girlspearlsandpowder@gmail.com, with the subject line 'Ask Amanda Jane'.
We look forward to your questions!

Previous Ask Amanda Jane's:
Phoney Friends
Strange Strangers
OMG! You Have to Watch This
Annoyed With Roofus
Good Fences Make Good Neighbors
Just a Facebook Friend?

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Ask Amanda Jane: Phoney Friends

Hi Amanda Jane,
I have a friend who is ALWAYS on her phone. Several of them actually. and siblings, in-laws, not to mention nieces and nephews. But I'm writing in regards to one friend in particular.  When we go out to dinner or are just hanging out she always has it in her hand and almost always has it on and looking at something. She will still engage in conversations but it feels like she isn't all the way there or doesn't quite want to give you her full a attention. I really feel that smart phones are changing the way we interact with each other and although there are many great new features to help simplify our lives, for the most part I hate it. Should I ask her to put her phone away when she's around me? I would rather not sound like a teenager's parent. Is it right for me to say something? Or do I just need to get with the times?
   -Phoney Friend Problems

Phoney Friend Problems,

I have a confession to make- I’m on my phone way more than I should be. A few months ago my husband and I were watching “our shows” together, when two episodes into The Mindy Project I realized I had no idea what was going on. Why? Because I had spent the last 45 minutes ignoring my husband, the tv and everything around me. Not only did I have no idea what I was watching I frankly couldn’t really remember what Buzzfeed listicle I had just read or which Instagrams I had double tapped. The problem with doing too many things at once is you are never really enjoying any of them. 

I had this exact conversation with my own Grandma recently. My Grandma was lamenting the fact that some Sunday’s she looks around the kitchen and realizes that everyone in the family has their eyes cast down on their phone screens. The thing is I don’t think there is anything wrong with you or my Grandma being annoyed by this! Why in the world do we think it is okay to ignore the people that are right in same room with us in favor of a telephone!?! The sad truth is most of us do it, frequently. And part of it is because it has become extremely normal. We do use our phones for countless useful tasks everyday. But how often are we distracting and overstimulating ourselves needlessly because our phones are so convenient? I know I have way more than I’d like to admit publicly. So a few months ago I decided I needed to take the adage “wherever you are, be all there” to heart. If I’m out to dinner with my friends, I’m out to dinner with my friends. If I’m playing with my kids, I’m playing with my kids. I’m trying really hard to be present. 

Only you know your friends and if they would take offense to you asking them to pay attention or if they would apologize profusely for being so dismissive. But the important thing to do is set the tone (or if they are really unrepentant I give you permission give them a taste of their own medicine). I feel like if my friends were never whipping out their phones, I probably wouldn’t be either. So no, you can’t change an entire generation, but you can do your part and simply be wherever you are and hope it rubs off.

Sincerely, Amanda Jane

PS. This lovely image, found here, illustrates today's Ask Amanda Jane perfectly.

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To have your own etiquette question featured on the blog, send an email to girlspearlsandpowder@gmail.com, with the subject line "Ask Amanda Jane".
We look forward to your questions!


Previous Ask Amanda Jane's:
Strange Strangers
OMG! You Have to Watch This
Annoyed With Roofus
Good Fences Make Good Neighbors
Just a Facebook Friend?

Follow the Girls Pearls & Powder LADYLIKE board on Pinterest.

Ask Amanda Jane: Strange Strangers

Dear Amanda Jane,
How do you deal with someone who you barely know who tells you intimate and personal details? I want to empathize but really it's a burden because they are strangers.

   -Strange Strangers

Stranger,

Oh you've come to the right source! Like a moth to a flame I’m constantly attracting strangers with boundary issues. This past week as I was putting my cart away at Target I noticed a  woman struggling to get out of her overstuffed car. I offered my hand and forty minutes later I knew of Linda’s tumultuous marriage, murdered son, and overprotective daughter-in-law that doesn't allow her to even see her three grandchildren. I empathized even though I have no first hand experienced on any of her struggles, because that’s the kindest thing you can do. The world would be a lot more reassuring place if everyone occasionally took the time to lend a sympathetic ear, even to a stranger. 

That being said, we need to know how to cut someone off when the information becomes too much to bear. How we deal with an overbearing/over-sharing stranger depends on a couple factors, the first being- what is your degree of connection to the stranger? Is it someone you met in a parking lot that you’ll never deal with again? A co-worker that you don’t know well, but see daily? Or your fiance’s crazy Uncle that you only see at Christmas? You want to strike a careful balance, one where you draw boundaries where needed (nutty co-worker) but where you don’t come off as jerk that doesn't care about anything. Only you can decide how much you can sympathize with Linda’s family drama, Darlene’s gynecological visit, or Uncle Doug’s desire to get calf implants. So when you've had your fill make an exit. If it is a repetitive issue, you may have to cut them off before the over-sharing begins. It may seem unkind, but it isn't your burden to bear past a level of basic human compassion. The other equally important factor is the content of their over-sharing- is it racist, sexual, hateful or degrading in any way? If the content offered up is something you can’t keep down, you have the right to cut them off and walk away immediately. You can never stop a stranger from over-sharing, but you can always control what part you have in it.

Sincerely, 
Amanda Jane

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To have your own etiquette question featured on the blog, send an email to girlspearlsandpowder@gmail.com, with the subject line "Ask Amanda Jane". We look forward to your questions!


Previous Ask Amanda Jane's:
OMG! You Have to Watch This
Annoyed With Roofus
Good Fences Make Good Neighbors
Just a Facebook Friend?

Ask Amanda Jane: OMG! You Have To Watch This!

Dear Amanda Jane,
How do I get my friend to shop showing me YouTube videos? I hate when I am at a social gathering and someone insists that we watch the latest "funniest video" they've found on the internet. Shouldn't there be some modern manners for sharing viral clips on your phone? Like only force someone to watch a single video, and then be prepared to watch one of theirs... and if they don't share something, just end the sharing. I also don't think you should ever share a YouTube video that is very long... watching something for over a minute on someone's phone is torture. What does modern etiquette dictate? 

   -Not Funny

Not Funny,

Back in the day there used to be this cliché joke about the dreaded task of going to a friend's house and being forced to view slides of their Yellowstone vacation photos. The bottom line was it was always awkward, always uninvited, and never enjoyable to anybody not in the photos. "Not Funny" you have presented us with a modern day equivalent of this phenomena, with the notable exception that the offender likely has no claim to the content, other than they found it on the Internet! In other words they aren't the "Tall guy" from "Tall guy hitting head on ceiling fan=Lolz" they just happened to find the video of said event. It's really not much better than pulling out pictures of adorable children (that aren't yours) from your wallet or reading a joke off a Laffy Taffy wrapper. You have no claim to the content, I didn't ask to see it, and even if it is the funniest video ever made- nobody has ever left a party thinking, "I'm sure glad Stephanie showed me that video of a cat dressed up like a Popsicle." No! You leave the party thinking "it was so fun hanging out with Stephanie." Unless Stephanie is the one that keeps showing you unsolicited videos, in that event you're probably thinking "Yuck, who keeps inviting Stephanie?"

But I'm guessing you already know this and that's why you want to know how to stop it. The thing is, unless you are at a party that is solely dedicated to this type of video sharing, than no matter the merits of the video, you are being rude to make anyone watch anything on demand. Because the bottom line is, when you are talking to someone face to face and all you can say is "watch this video" what you are really communicating is "instead of interacting with you while we are both standing right here, I would rather watch a stranger throw-up a tablespoon of cinnamon, or an adorable orphan ride a unicycle."

The other unsavory element of being shown online clips on demand is the "expected reaction" element. If you've ever been forced to watch a viral video- than you've been watched while you watch a video and know how incredibly awkward and unenjoyable of a situation it is to be in (regardless of the content.) In an attempt to be kind and "have the proper reaction" you are watching the clip constantly thinking while you halfheartedly laugh "Is this the hilarious part where I laugh or is that still coming?"

I personally have a pretty strong no-tolerance level when it comes to being forced to watch videos at social events, but your level of tolerance may be more flexible (if you've established that you'd be willing to sit through at least one.) So after you've met your threshold, just distance yourself from the situation by saying "Oh, you'll have to post that one on Facebook for me to look at when I get home" or "Oh, email that one to me sometime" and the more relentless they are the more blunt you are allowed to be "Seriously Stephanie, I don't even like watching my own kids sing the Frozen song!"

So for any of you out there left wondering what the proper etiquette for sharing viral clips at social events is- the answer is that rarely, if ever, should they be shared in person. Because honestly, that is what Facebook is for.

Sincerely, 
Amanda Jane

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To have your own etiquette question featured on the blog, send an email to girlspearlsandpowder@gmail.com, with the subject line "Ask Amanda Jane". We look forward to your questions!


Previous Ask Amanda Jane's:
Annoyed With Roofus
Good Fences Make Good Neighbors
Just a Facebook Friend?

Ask Amanda Jane: Annoyed With Rufus

Dear Amanda Jane,
My next door neighbors have a dog that they keep fenced in their backyard.... and when my family and I are outside, the dog constantly barks at us and runs at us! We want to be able to enjoy our backyard without being growled and barked at. How do I address this with my neighbor?

   -Annoyed with Rufus

Annoyed,

My Grandma used to say "Good boundaries are the backbone of good etiquette!" So it's no wonder that so many common etiquette conundrums begin with boundaries - we always want to know what lines should and shouldn't be crossed (or when it is appropriate to tell someone they've crossed them - see last week's column.) Although your neighbor has a well-intact fence, it isn't sound proof, and that is your main complaint. The first thing you need to ask yourself is "How is Rufus really affecting my quality of life?" If it really only comes up when you occasionally pass by a shared fence - it is annoying, but forgivable, and I advise you let it slide. But if Rufus is keeping you up at night or constantly interrupting conversations (in your own yard!) that is an intrusion and it is time to take action.

I am a fan of the anonymous note, in the right situation, but because your neighbor only shares a fence with so many people it would come off as aggressive rather than anonymous. So your level of notification depends on your level of familiarity with your neighbor. If you have ever texted them before (not if you can text them, but if you have) then it would be perfectly proper to shoot a simple message over, "Hey Melanie! I had some friends over last week and it really seemed to agitate Rufus having us outback. Is there anything I can do to avoid that in the future?" As much as you may despise Rufus, Melanie loves the over-active beast so framing it in a helpful tone helps her from feeling defensive. If you've never met your neighbor bring them a plate of cookies and have this conversation face to face. It's kind of an uncomfortable situation, but just like boundaries are the backbone of good etiquette, ignorance is the backbone of bad etiquette! Most people when presented with their (of their dog/child/husband's) bad behavior immediately apologize and try and self-correct. Even in this day and age very few people are okay with purposely and willfully being rude. Breaking the ice kindly, will help the next time you have outdoor guests and Rufus starts to act up - I'm guessing it won't take very long until Melanie has redirected his attention unprompted.

Sincerely,
Amanda Jane

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To have your own etiquette question featured on the blog, send an email to girlspearlsandpowder@gmail.com, with the subject line "Ask Amanda Jane". We look forward to your questions!


Previous Ask Amanda Jane's:
Good Fences Make Good Neighbors
Just a Facebook Friend?

Ask Amanda Jane: Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

Dear Amanda Jane,
I have an overly chatty neighbor who wants to chat every time she sees me outside, whether I'm just sitting on my porch, walking to and from my car, or getting my mail. How do I avoid lengthy conversations with her when I just want to be left alone?

   -No Chatty Cathy

Oh No Chatty, I know your struggle well!

Years ago when I was a new parent, living in a crappy apartment (with its prerequisite paper-thin walls), we too had one of these neighbors. He was a refrigerator repairman, in his early thirties, with a thick Eastern European accent and penchant for leaving his alarm-clock constantly blaring for days on end. His apartment shared a back wall with ours and he drove us crazy with his constant, uninvited presence. When we sat down for dinner, he’d want to join. When we tried to enjoy a leisurely evening on our porch he was suddenly there too. It seemed I couldn't plant flowers, get the mail or even retrieve my laundry without being sucked into his vortex. Things got so bad we started packing a get-away diaper bag and an armload excuse of “places we needed to be” for when he showed up. There were numerous occasions where we’d pack our newborn into the car and drive around the block a few times hoping to throw him off our scent.

Looking back on this experience we laugh (mainly because he has virtually no way of tracking us down now).  But honestly we had the power to make it stop the whole time. Robert Frost once penned, “Good fences make good neighbors,” and it sounds to me like you need to build a stronger fence. I’m not recommending guard dogs, reinforced steel and barbed wire, but something of a more metaphorical design. Fences are put up as a means of defining a boundary. We too need to decide where our comfort level lies and redefine boundaries that are making us uncomfortable. How will she know she is annoying you if you've never done anything to indicate that her pop-over visits are anything but a delight? So often we don’t want to come across as “rude” or “pushy” that we let people invade our space (which is rude of them). But often times a clueless perpetrator has no idea—and I’m willing to give your nosy neighbor a pass on that. So you must chose: do you want all of your public leisure time co-opted by an overbearing neighbor? Or do you need to start the sometimes uncomfortable task of building boundaries? Next time she pops over uninvited a simple “I’m sorry June, now isn't a good time for me, how about we catch up over lunch next week?” should suffice. After that, the more intrusive she becomes, the more blunt you are allowed to be. Redefining your boundaries with her will take some practice, but in time you will find that private solitude you've been seeking.

Sincerely,
Amanda Jane


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We are currently working on a page where you will be able to submit your own etiquette question anonymously, but if you would like to send one now you can email it to girlspearlsandpowder@gmail.com, with the subject line "Ask Amanda Jane". We look forward to your questions.

Other Ask Amanda Jane's:
Strange Strangers
OMG! You Have to Watch This
Annoyed With Roofus
Just a Facebook Friend?

Ask Amanda Jane: Facebook Friendship Fizzle?

 

Dear Amanda Jane,
How do I handle my friend who over-shares on Facebook? She has posted about trying to get pregnant, being pregnant, and now tons of baby posts... baby questions, baby pictures, and videos of her baby. I unfollowed her, but now when I talk to her she will refer to pictures on her Facebook that she assumes I have seen. I'm close to just slowly letting this friendship fizzle away because I'm more annoyed with her than I enjoy her friendship.

   -Just a Facebook Friend?

Just a Facebook Friend,

Somebody once told me, “Don’t worry if your baby is ugly you’ll never be able to tell yourself. You’re too close to it.” I think this same principle often applies to somebody that overshares on Facebook. Usually it is coming from a place of such pure excitement that they don’t even realize they’ve become “that” friend—in other words they’re too close to the action to realize how grotesque their oversharing has become. Eventually, most rational people will realize that it is time to self-edit (or start a blog) once the “likes” become fewer and further between (or only consist of Grandma). For most people, if you give them a little leeway, once the excitement wears off they’ll return to socially acceptable levels of sharing. However, in the case of serial, unrepentant over-sharers, the tactic of “unfollowing” is a perfectly acceptable and humane option for a friendship that you’re not quite ready to completely “unfriend.” Un-following someone stops action shots of “Gracie’s first poopy diaper” from routinely hijacking your feed, yet allows you the option to check in with them (when you feel like clicking through countless 3-D ultrasound pictures).

That being said, I think the bigger issue here isn’t the constant unnecessary updates but the actual value of this friendship in your life today. Our parent’s generation had it good—back in the day, you could send out a Christmas card and catch up every ten years at a high school reunion and call it good. Social media has allowed us a platform to maintain and cultivate friendships like no other time in history. But the truth of the matter is, even as adults we grow, change and evolve and really only keep a select handful of friends with us for the long-haul. Facebook often times puts us in the awkward position of trying to maintain interest in friendships that we’ve outgrown. Friendships that long would have faded in any other era. In so many ways social media connections stunt our ability to evolve through life because we are constantly tethered to people that aren’t immediately contributing to the life we are living now. So, you have to think of this friendship in terms of both its short and long-term value to you. What does this friendship mean to you in the long run? If burning all bridges would be a loss to you in some way, don’t unfriend, just unfollow. It’s important to realize that many of our Facebook friends from the past are nothing more than “Christmas card list” friends, and that’s okay.

Sincerely,

Amanda Jane


__________________
We are currently working on a page where you will be able to submit your own etiquette question anonymously, but if you would like to send one now you can email it to girlspearlsandpowder@gmail.com, with the subject line "Ask Amanda Jane". We look forward to your questions.