Ask Amanda Jane: Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

Dear Amanda Jane,
I have an overly chatty neighbor who wants to chat every time she sees me outside, whether I'm just sitting on my porch, walking to and from my car, or getting my mail. How do I avoid lengthy conversations with her when I just want to be left alone?

   -No Chatty Cathy

Oh No Chatty, I know your struggle well!

Years ago when I was a new parent, living in a crappy apartment (with its prerequisite paper-thin walls), we too had one of these neighbors. He was a refrigerator repairman, in his early thirties, with a thick Eastern European accent and penchant for leaving his alarm-clock constantly blaring for days on end. His apartment shared a back wall with ours and he drove us crazy with his constant, uninvited presence. When we sat down for dinner, he’d want to join. When we tried to enjoy a leisurely evening on our porch he was suddenly there too. It seemed I couldn't plant flowers, get the mail or even retrieve my laundry without being sucked into his vortex. Things got so bad we started packing a get-away diaper bag and an armload excuse of “places we needed to be” for when he showed up. There were numerous occasions where we’d pack our newborn into the car and drive around the block a few times hoping to throw him off our scent.

Looking back on this experience we laugh (mainly because he has virtually no way of tracking us down now).  But honestly we had the power to make it stop the whole time. Robert Frost once penned, “Good fences make good neighbors,” and it sounds to me like you need to build a stronger fence. I’m not recommending guard dogs, reinforced steel and barbed wire, but something of a more metaphorical design. Fences are put up as a means of defining a boundary. We too need to decide where our comfort level lies and redefine boundaries that are making us uncomfortable. How will she know she is annoying you if you've never done anything to indicate that her pop-over visits are anything but a delight? So often we don’t want to come across as “rude” or “pushy” that we let people invade our space (which is rude of them). But often times a clueless perpetrator has no idea—and I’m willing to give your nosy neighbor a pass on that. So you must chose: do you want all of your public leisure time co-opted by an overbearing neighbor? Or do you need to start the sometimes uncomfortable task of building boundaries? Next time she pops over uninvited a simple “I’m sorry June, now isn't a good time for me, how about we catch up over lunch next week?” should suffice. After that, the more intrusive she becomes, the more blunt you are allowed to be. Redefining your boundaries with her will take some practice, but in time you will find that private solitude you've been seeking.

Sincerely,
Amanda Jane


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