The Lion Of My VW Beetle

the curse of having an entomologist as a sister...

Over the weekend I was driving in the dead of night through Wyoming and ran into the late Ted Kennedy... or at least, I think, part of his soul. I was on my way to the Denver airport and had stopped at a gas station where I looked down and there he was! Just sitting there in the open, shining in the dim gas station light.

It was freaky to see him sitting there all calm and not moving... jerusalem crickets scare the hell out of me. The last time I saw one I was sitting around a campfire with Nate and Aaron (also in Wyoming) when one of these crazy critters RAN out of the shadows.. right by our legs!! I swear it was the size of a small mouse!!!.. and kamikazied into the fire pit!!!! THEN DISAPPEARED!!!! IT WAS SO FRIGHTENING AND WEIRD!!! Weirder still is that we couldn't find it... his ugly gross body was nowhere to be found to calm our fears that it really had commit suicide!! What if it got in our tent? What if his friends were in our sleeping bags? It still makes my skin crawl thinking about it!

The one other time I had seen a Jerusalem Cricket was inside a glass jar in my kitchen. Then I was un-informed on what it was, and it's giant baby-like head scared me. I thought it was some sort of baby, and babies in jars always creep me out... but if it was a baby.. why was it already so big? and what sort of insect was it? half spider? half bee?

So I was really unnerved at that gas station, in the middle of the night, seeing that JC just sitting there, not moving... just waiting. I think when I saw him I gasped and clutched my bossom! And I was even more unnerved when I heard McKay's voice come in my brain scolding me for letting it get away again. She loves the bug with all her buggy heart.

I resolved to face my fears and catch the JC for her. I took my time filling up my car, then walked slowly into the convenient store to get a bag to catch it in. I hoped that it would have run along by the time I had gotten back to it. Nope, it was still there... patiently waiting. Maybe it's dead, I hoped, when I bent down to get a better look. As soon as the bag was out and hovering over that damn bugs big-baby-larva-like head it started running for his freedom! When I touched it with my hand through the bag I screamed at how strong and solid he felt when he tried to wiggle away! I didn't dare pick him up... and he was booking it into the nearby field!!! I quickly grabbed my nalgene bottle from inside my car, emptied it, then ran after it. With the nalgene bottle safely covering the little critter it was easy to slide the bag under him... flip it up, shake him down, then double knot the opening! Ted Kennedy was in the bag (sometime during the chase I cursed Ted Kennedy, since he was all npr talked about last week, and the name stuck)!!!

I held it up at eye level to see the bulge at the bottom of the bag... making sure it was still there, and not crawling up my leg. As I stared, that damn democrat started biting through the plastic!!!! I can still see his fangs working, biting on the other side of the white bag! I started screaming again and decided to put him in the nalgene bottle.. those things are indestructible, right?

I slowly poked him down, not daring to touch his actual body, hoping to only touch the plastic bag, whimpering as I did it. Once he was in I screwed the lid on tight... then threw him in the car.

On the road again I called McKay to tell her about my discovery (this was around 2am). She was delighted... and told me to feed Ted a grape, they love grapes! She said she wanted him alive, because they are so friendly and fun to play with... sure they are, sister, sure they are.

As I am driving I hear the bag rustling around, and I turn down the stereo, pick up my nalgene bottle.. and sure enough... Ted Kennedy is out of the bag and just crawling around. What a tenacious little guy, just like the late senator. I put a piece of apple in there with him, and tried to think of something else, ya know, nice things. As I curled up to get some sleep later on that night, I could hear him scuttling around... screaming about socialized medicine, something about how health care is a right not a privilege. I blocked him out, and slept. Woke up later, continued my drive and I'm sorry to say I forgot about him. 48 hours later in Denver... when valet brought me my car, he was dead. Poor Ted.

Now he is in the freezer... I hope McKay finds him useful, for whatever weird thing she uses bugs for. I'm just glad to have his little spirit gone. Ted Kennedy the jerusalem cricket freaked me out.